Job Concerns

I’m a freshman in college who has been lucky enough to land an office job in the administration office at my school. That’s all fine and dandy, especially since it’ll give me experience that not many can claim. However, over the last few months, I’ve been taking steps to begin my transition (such as preparing to move out, scheduling appointments with doctors to get a script for testosterone, etc) and as I’ve been doing this, one of the biggest things looming over my head is: “how will I come out at work”. 

I go to an LGBT friendly/inclusive school that actually has trans*-inclusive healthcare so I imagine they cannot discriminate against me tremendously. However, the thought of what will be said behind my back, the looks I’ll get when I’m able to use the men’s restroom, etc. may be more anxiety-inducing than blatant discrimination. I know this is something almost all transgender individuals must go through, but it’s seriously deterring me from staying at this job and possibly transitioning (for now). However, I don’t have retail experience/experience in job areas where there are trans-friendly companies. I’ve only ever had office experience and am going for a degree in the sciences (which won’t be applicable until I graduate) so I’m lost. I’m seriously considering applying for many jobs and only leaving when I have secured another position. However, if I transition in the next job and lose it, I’ll be unemployed with a phone bill, rent/bills, and a possible car note (depending on my rent). Logically, it’d make sense to stay and transition, but anxiety is eating me alive. 

I’d love some advice/tips from those of you who have transitioned in the work place. I realistically may cut my hours next semester and pick up a night job where I can transition without much fuss. If I decide to take a semester off/drop out of college, this current job will be history anyway as I will not be a student anymore. It’s a lot of stuff that’s just up in the air, but the job situation is the most bothersome at the moment as it’ll affect my income and ability to continue on with life. 

 

This is just a little snippet of what’s been on my mind. I’ll probably post another post up in a few minutes in a more upbeat tone. If you wish to contact me, feel free to comment or email me at the email below. Thanks for reading!

Email: JCollins1594@gmail.com

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Possibility of Social Anxiety

I had a therapist appointment yesterday and we discussed the possibility of hormones, how I felt about it, and just got into my internal pysche on how I feel, which eventually segued into the talk of my socializing, how I feel about talking to people I know, etc. As we went through this, I began really dwelling on this information and it seems like I might have social anxiety disorder. While I wouldn’t say it’s very severe, my nervousness in certain social situations is abnormal. 

For example: Whenever I began a new school year (I cannot really attest to a new semester as I’m finishing up my first one), we would. in at least one class, have to go around and say our name and something about us. There’s to be a bit of nervousness and anxiety with doing this, no matter how outgoing one may be. However, when it comes to me, I begin shaking a bit the longer I have to wait, my heart begins slamming and I usually begin fidgeting with something. The more silly the question or whatever, the more nervous I am about answering and having to speak. I think about asking to go to the bathroom or find myself hoping something will interrupt us to the point where I don’t end up going or at least it’ll be postponed. That almost never happens of course, and I do end up going. I usually stutter and look like the awkward, obese, kid in the room (which I am) and sit down. I’m very relieved after that and usually just focus on calming down. As I write this, I’m becoming more aware of the small things like picking at my skin and such that I do when I’ve spoken up and now am trying to calm down. 

I wouldn’t classify my nervousness as a fear/discomfort of public speaking as, interestingly enough, I can do that alright when it’s on a given topic that I’ve accurately and thoroughly researched. I usually don’t look at people when I do them, but if the topic is interesting, it’s easier to talk fluidly. I’d like to say I’m just extremely shy and awkward, which can be contributed to my self-consciousness about my perceived gender and weight, but I feel like it surpasses my mere physical being also. I stress about how stupid, unintelligent, awkward, and just plain weird I look to the point where I feel sad when i think about conversations I’ve had in the past. Many time, i feel like the jokes I made were ridiculously stupid, the points brought up were lame and that I just made everyone feel weird. It’s gotten to the point at times where I’ve considered backing away from my friends because I fear they judge me intensely (I actually do feel this way, and apparently, my view of them is skewed in this regard). 

I’m not saying I do have social anxiety, I’m just writing about the possibility of having it after that session. I do exhibit many of the symptoms (Excessive self-consciousness and anxiety in everyday social situations, Intense worry for days, weeks, or even months before an upcoming social situation, Intense worry for days, weeks, or even months before an upcoming social situation). Shy people also have similar traits in this regard, just not as intensely. I don’t know. It’d make a lot more sense as to my ability and desire to socialize than merely “being shy”. 

 

As always, if you have input, comment below or even shoot me an email: JCollins1594@gmail.com

 

Hope to hear!