Transgender Vs. Femboy/stud

As someone who is rather active in the LGBT community online (where people love to voice their opinions in ways they otherwise wouldn’t), you don’t know how many times I’ve heard the question “If you’re a girl/boy, why do you dress like (insert opposite gender)” or “Why do lesbian relationships always have someone that looks like a boy and the other that looks like a girl? Date a real man!” This shows a lack of understanding between gender identity and gender expression. We have defined what a male is supposed to look like, so those that go against the norm (by painting their nails, wearing female clothes, etc) are labeled as gay, some horrible derogatory word, or they “want to be a female”. The same goes for female who are more masculine. In this world of confusion and lack of understanding and eduation, one has to wonder what differentiates a masculine woman who might not like her chest and calls herself “daddy” or “king” or a male who uses “she”, “queen” and stuffs a bra from a transman and transwoman. I definitely understand the confusion and despite being transgender myself, I was, for a little, slightly confused and scared I might just be a masculine female.

It may be very hard to differentiate the two when you hear lesbians say that they’re dyshporic about their chest for whatever reason, especially when they use a strap on for sex and don’t desire to be touched. Those are grey areas that can definitely confuse someone, but what clicked as the main difference between masculine females and transmen and feminine men and trans women is this: the former identify and see themselves as the sex they were born as.

What really made this click for me was when I watching a YouTube channel I am subscribed to. The 2 women who run it are moms of a 2 year old girl and they’re basically documenting their lives as a 2 mom household. The particular video in question, the two moms discuss how their daughter thought one mom was a “boy” because she dressed masculine. They reveal that it actually bothered the masculine mom, even though she knew her daughter didn’t mean it in a mean way. Had she been transgender or a “Woman who wants to be a man”, she wouldn’t have been offended or offput by it.

Transgender people are those who feel as though they should’ve been born the opposite sex. Their mind is like that of the sex opposite to their own. They aren’t “masculine women” or “feminine men”, they’re women/men that are trapped in their own body. The two can, from an outside point of view, seem very synonymous and almost one in the same, when in actuality, there are very distinct differences.

If you have topic suggestions, comments, questions, feel free to leave them below or email me: JCollins1594@gmail.com

Summer Goals and Beyond

I have about 3 weeks left in the semester before I’m done with my freshman year of college. Definitely not my best academically or socially, but what’s done is done and I must learn to leave my mistakes in the past and keep moving forward. Other than working, I have a few goals I want to achieve during the summer months to really keep me active and bettering myself. Many of them are more related to transition than anything else, but there’s a conglomeration of things to be done. I’m hoping that above all, the summer months will give me time to decide whether or not I plan to continue my secondary education in the fall. If I decide not to return, I then need to make a plan to decide what I wish to do with my time, how I’ll achieve said goals, etc. 

Some of my summer goals are as follows: 

1. Begin testosterone. I’ll probably be starting T about late May, early June, which is about the same time as I’ll be moving out. I’d rather not transition while living with my mom and grandmother just because I don’t want it thrown in my face at a later time. I’d be much happier living on my own. I’ve been really thinking about starting T for a while and I admit I’m extremely nervous and scared I’ll regret it later, but by the time I start, I hope that I’ve calmed these thoughts. 

2. Move out. As stated above, I think transitioning and really being who I’m meant to be will be easier if I’m not at home. My mom, sister, and grandmother are religious and I’d hate to make them feel uncomfortable with me in the house. It’d change the aura of the house and I feel that I’d just mess up the atmosphere more than it’s already being disturbed. I’m also not confrontational in the least bit so having to actually come out and then transition is a bit overwhelming. I’d rather “love them from afar” as someone in a trans group I’m in has said. 

3. Lose at least 30 pounds. I’ve been saying I want to lose weight for years now. I’m trying to focus on clean eating, not letting mistakes in my dietary habits deter me, and working out more. I really want top surgery (I have the money now but that would mean I cannot move out), but I don’t know if a doctor will perform one on an obese person and even if they did, I’d rather have my body be as close to in shape as possible. Once I get down to a comfortable weight, I’ll be ready to look at surgeons and surgery options. Right now, it’s not feasible or something I’m willing to deal with at my current weight. 

4. Finish a novel. I’m a writer and writing is one of the only things I’m good at. I love writing controversial stories to make people think outside their comfort zone. I’ve been so wrapped up in other hobbies and school that I’ve let it fall by the wayside. Since I work in an office, I’ll have access to a computer and probably a decent amount of time to write. It’ll keep me occupied and doing something worth while. 

My list is relatively short now as I conglomerated many things, but it’ll expand as the summer gets closer. Moving out and getting on Testosterone is at the top of my list. 

 

Questions? Comments? Need advice? Feel free to email me: JCollins1594@gmail.com

Job Concerns

I’m a freshman in college who has been lucky enough to land an office job in the administration office at my school. That’s all fine and dandy, especially since it’ll give me experience that not many can claim. However, over the last few months, I’ve been taking steps to begin my transition (such as preparing to move out, scheduling appointments with doctors to get a script for testosterone, etc) and as I’ve been doing this, one of the biggest things looming over my head is: “how will I come out at work”. 

I go to an LGBT friendly/inclusive school that actually has trans*-inclusive healthcare so I imagine they cannot discriminate against me tremendously. However, the thought of what will be said behind my back, the looks I’ll get when I’m able to use the men’s restroom, etc. may be more anxiety-inducing than blatant discrimination. I know this is something almost all transgender individuals must go through, but it’s seriously deterring me from staying at this job and possibly transitioning (for now). However, I don’t have retail experience/experience in job areas where there are trans-friendly companies. I’ve only ever had office experience and am going for a degree in the sciences (which won’t be applicable until I graduate) so I’m lost. I’m seriously considering applying for many jobs and only leaving when I have secured another position. However, if I transition in the next job and lose it, I’ll be unemployed with a phone bill, rent/bills, and a possible car note (depending on my rent). Logically, it’d make sense to stay and transition, but anxiety is eating me alive. 

I’d love some advice/tips from those of you who have transitioned in the work place. I realistically may cut my hours next semester and pick up a night job where I can transition without much fuss. If I decide to take a semester off/drop out of college, this current job will be history anyway as I will not be a student anymore. It’s a lot of stuff that’s just up in the air, but the job situation is the most bothersome at the moment as it’ll affect my income and ability to continue on with life. 

 

This is just a little snippet of what’s been on my mind. I’ll probably post another post up in a few minutes in a more upbeat tone. If you wish to contact me, feel free to comment or email me at the email below. Thanks for reading!

Email: JCollins1594@gmail.com

Steps in My Transition

Seeing as I’m working part time and attend a college where hormone therapy is going to be covered under my student health care per new trans* inclusive healthcare initiatives, I can begin transitioning as soon as I feel ready. I have bad anxiety with calling and answering calls, so I haven’t been to Howard Brown in a while. However, I’m going to go back next week to continue therapy, but my approach to my transition has altered.

I initially planned to be approved for hormones (or begin taking hormones) and focus on getting top or bottom surgery as time progressed and I saved money. Regardless as to how plans change, this general outline will remain in tact. However, I didn’t think living at home would be a problem. Despite having to be a commuter student, I was still planning to transition this year. But my mom seems to be still trying to grasp that I want to transition and I’m not her little girl anymore. Aside this,  I live with my grandmother as we lost our house to foreclosure and my grandmother doesn’t know. I don’t know how she would react, and to begin hormones, I’d have to come out to not only her, but my sister and great-aunt that lives with us. I’m bad enough with confrontations, but having to do something this big that I know will hurt my mom and make my sister possibly feel weird around me is too much to handle.

I plan to focus on trying to save money to move out before I start hormones. I probably won’t transfer schools, so maybe my current school will get a cluster or floor for the LGBT community where I can stay. I’m too uncomfortable staying in dorms because I’ll have to be roomed with a female roommate. If this doesn’t come to fruition, I’ll work on getting an apartment somewhere near my school. I’d be able to control who I room with and I’d feel much more comfortable that way. After I’ve gotten enough money saved up to actually afford rent (and utilities) on a monthly basis, I’ll start hormones at Howard Brown, then go over to my school’s healthcare system.

As much as I want all this to happen before the end of 2nd semester, I don’t think this is plausible. I barely make $500 a month part time and with the holidays and then the start of second semester, I wont’ have any money going into the new year. I just want to be able to begin transitioning, but I refuse to make my family uncomfortable. If I’m living alone, then I can gradually come out and leave my family room to adjust and try and understand what is happening. Telling them, then transitioning right there may be harder. It’s possible my plans will change again, but right now, I’m going to just focus on possibly moving out.

 

Has anyone dealt with this? Have advice? Comment below.

Need to contact me? Email: JCollins1594@gmail.com

My Thoughts on my Coming Out

On October 11th, National Coming Out Day, I came out to my mother (not anyone else yet) as “Confused” to say the least. I wrote her a letter elaborating on my gender confusion throughout my life and how it’s made me feel. She said she would accept me and that she’d do what she could to make me happy. I was beyond happy to hear this, but a part of me feels like she only said that to make me happy or she means it on a very basic level.

After coming out and not needing to feel bothered with hiding it from my mom, I’ve become almost 100% sure I want to transition. I cannot deal with being stuck in between two worlds. For me, I don’t feel “stuck in the wrong body” but rather, I need to change the body I have to make me feel better. I need to lose weight, start T, get phallo and top surgery. With less stress on hiding a part of me, I don’t feel as stressed about talking myself out of transitioning. I’ve begun going to a therapist at Howard Brown,  and it’s like a year’s worth of therapy cannot come quick enough. I want to begin being seen as a male, being comfortable as a male. I’m sick of living up to others’ expectations.

My mom has claimed she’ll be supportive, but admitted that she doesn’t know if she can call me anything but her daughter. I understand it’ll take time, but it hurts that she doesn’t even want to entertain the idea of adjusting pronouns and while I know she sees the danger of being a trans person, I don’t think she realizes how dangerous it’ll be if she refers to me with pronouns other than what I go by. I’ll continue to give her time, but I’ve honestly gotten to the point where, if she fails to accept my transition, I’ll move away and live my life the way I should. I’ll accrue any debt to be had from hormones and student loans to be happy. I can’t deal with living with someone who doesn’t accept me.

Aside my mother, I don’t think my best friend takes me seriously either. We were joking around and I said that I should just go to a monastery and he says, “Aren’t monasteries for men?” I pause and kind of look at him to try and get my point across in why I changed “convent” to “monastery” but he didn’t get it. He knows I’m going to therapy for my gender confusion and desire to transition, but deep down, I know his religious convictions will keep him from seeing me as a male and that hurts more than anything.

Please realize that I know adjustments to changes in gender take much time. I’m not asking these people to be ready to call me by male pronouns (I don’t know that I’m ready), but the fact that they’re not seeming to take me seriously on my desire to transition hurts. I’m actually just preparing to separate myself from everyone and just focus on myself. I need to find inner peace and appreciation and these two people are making me consider cutting everyone else more and more.

Am I being overly emotional? What was your experience? Feel free to respond or email me: JCollins1594@gmail.com.

Btw: If you need someone to talk to or need advice from, feel free to shoot me an email. I will respond. I love helping anyone I can.

Have a good day!