Dysphoria’s A Bitch

I think I’ve stated this earlier in my blog, but I rarely get dysphoria. I just have a deep intuition that I shouldn’t have been born female and that I cannot picture myself living out the duration of my years being perceived as one. However, on those off days where I do experience dysphoria, it’s usually bottom dysphoria. Whenever I am hit with a wave of dysphoria, it’s usually prolonged and due to my own arousal (many times I can surpass it, but at times, like today, it’s nagging at me).

Whenever I watch porn for a duration of time (I tend to view porn a few times a week for entertainment and will sometimes will use it for its intended purpose), I find myself becoming dysphoric and developing penis envry for the males in the porn. I don’t watch professional videos, but more homemade, solo stuff, which makes it even worse on me at times. I will watch the male pleasure himself (or have intercourse with his partner) and find a deep anger and longing form inside me. I desire to have a functional manhood between my legs; not a phallus from surgery, but one that I should’ve been born with. I find myself growing sad at the reality that I will not, in this life, have a functional penis like that of a cisgender male. I know I will be able to have a phallus that looks like I was born with one, but I will never be able to have an erection on my own or ejaculate like that of a cisgender male and my orgasm (if I retain the ability to do so after surgery) will never be quite like that of my cisgender male companions.

It’s times like this that I find myself wondering what’s the point of transitioning when I know I will never be a “real man”. I know it could be worse, and that I could’ve been born in a time where transitioning was much more dangerous and options for gender affirming surgery was limited. Still, a part of me is sad at what I cannot have. At times like this where I wish I could wake up one morning with the genitals of a male (no matter how small they may be). I’d be more than happy to deal with my chest, with the binding and irritating of pulling a binder on and off. Chests can be fixed much easier than the genital region. I’m tired, which isn’t helping my dysphoria at all.

I’m happy that my dysphoria is scarce and doesn’t occur often, but when it does, I feel hopeless, like none of my efforts will be worth anything. I feel as though I’m missing a part of me, a part that would make me happy and more confident. I suppose it’s time I learn to cope with my dysphoria, especially since I know it will probably become more frequent and intense when I begin HRT eventually.

Of Hormones and Friends

I currently am in therapy at Howard Brown Medical Center in Chicago, IL. I’ve been going for about 4 sessions and yesterday, we began reading blog posts that I post on my Tumblr (only original content). She read the first entry I copied into a Word file and we began discussing the content of it. She asked what really got me started at Howard Brown and I mentioned my school therapist saying that a year of therapy was required before I could begin hormone treatment (which is generally the standard). That’s when she said “Your therapist was wrong”. 

In general, there are some organizations that advise a year of therapy before being able to get on hormones. However, Howard Brown takes the approach of Informed Consent, where if the person is 18 and older, they can consent to begin hormones after a physical, blood work and a few appointments to evaluate whether the person is able to give informed consent to begin hormone treatment. 

This truly made my day and I don’t think i truly realized until then just how much hinged on my getting hormones. I instantly felt that there was something tangible to work for, whereas a year of therapy felt like forever and a day. I feel like working out more now, getting myself in shape, doing well in classes (not that I’m doing horrendous) and just looking forward to my future. A part of me is slightly nervous at what happens when I’m done transitioning (far in the future), but I’ll post on that later. As ideal as it would be for me to begin hormones as soon as possible, I’m actually going to keep seeing my therapist and just working within myself to truly see if this is something I need and not something I think I need because I don’t fit social norms. (I’ll post something on my experience with dysphoria a little later). 

With that said, I texted my mom about what was discovered because I’m too much of a pussy to actually tell her face to face. She asked if that’s what I truly wanted and I explained that I was almost 99% sure. I feel like she will support me, but it’ll upset her..Which is normal. I hate having to do this and I honestly think I’ll move out shortly after starting hormones as I know it’ll bring some type of tension between me and my immediate family. But again, that’s not something that’s in my immediate future so I’ll try to focus on finishing this semester before stressing about this. 

I told someone I’m close to about this news and he was just curious as to when/if I’d told my parents and when I would start, then we just chatted. He’s pretty supportive and someone I go to when i wish to talk about my LGBT issues as he is a member of the LGBT community also. However, I then posed the question of my transitioning to my best friend. I expected to not transition until he was in college (he’s a senior in high school), but with this new information, it’s more likely than not that I’ll start before then. We ride the train together to get to school, thus the reason I asked him. He tried to act nonchalant about it, saying it was my life, not his, but I sensed not necessarily hesitation, but awkwardness on his part. i voiced it and he said that it’s not his life so he has no say so or feelings. I know how he feels about this whole thing (He believes God created us the way we were for a reason and we shouldn’t change that) and I just asked him if he would still be able to be friends with me. He said he wouldn’t stop talking to me, but in the back of my mind, I know that we’ll probably fall off when I start transitioning. 

Honestly, he’s like my only close friend. My other best friend’s at college out of state and we haven’t talked for months and he’s the only one I talk to on an almost daily basis. The thought of us becoming strangers hurts, but at this point in my life, I can’t afford to let anyone drag me down or allow myself to drag anyone else down. Life is about living and enjoying what time we have here and if that means having to walk alone for some time, that’s what I’ll do. I already get a slightly judgmental feel from him when it comes to academics and if this is compounded by strong discomfort toward my transition, I would rather us part ways. He’ll be successful and I’d hope we’d encounter each other somehow in the future. 

At this point, i feel not many people take me seriously about this and when I start to transition and they see it’s real, I’ll have to let many go. I’m already in the state of mind to just…live and let go. It’s not worth my stress and sadness to keep people who don’t love me unconditionally around. 

My Thoughts on my Coming Out

On October 11th, National Coming Out Day, I came out to my mother (not anyone else yet) as “Confused” to say the least. I wrote her a letter elaborating on my gender confusion throughout my life and how it’s made me feel. She said she would accept me and that she’d do what she could to make me happy. I was beyond happy to hear this, but a part of me feels like she only said that to make me happy or she means it on a very basic level.

After coming out and not needing to feel bothered with hiding it from my mom, I’ve become almost 100% sure I want to transition. I cannot deal with being stuck in between two worlds. For me, I don’t feel “stuck in the wrong body” but rather, I need to change the body I have to make me feel better. I need to lose weight, start T, get phallo and top surgery. With less stress on hiding a part of me, I don’t feel as stressed about talking myself out of transitioning. I’ve begun going to a therapist at Howard Brown,  and it’s like a year’s worth of therapy cannot come quick enough. I want to begin being seen as a male, being comfortable as a male. I’m sick of living up to others’ expectations.

My mom has claimed she’ll be supportive, but admitted that she doesn’t know if she can call me anything but her daughter. I understand it’ll take time, but it hurts that she doesn’t even want to entertain the idea of adjusting pronouns and while I know she sees the danger of being a trans person, I don’t think she realizes how dangerous it’ll be if she refers to me with pronouns other than what I go by. I’ll continue to give her time, but I’ve honestly gotten to the point where, if she fails to accept my transition, I’ll move away and live my life the way I should. I’ll accrue any debt to be had from hormones and student loans to be happy. I can’t deal with living with someone who doesn’t accept me.

Aside my mother, I don’t think my best friend takes me seriously either. We were joking around and I said that I should just go to a monastery and he says, “Aren’t monasteries for men?” I pause and kind of look at him to try and get my point across in why I changed “convent” to “monastery” but he didn’t get it. He knows I’m going to therapy for my gender confusion and desire to transition, but deep down, I know his religious convictions will keep him from seeing me as a male and that hurts more than anything.

Please realize that I know adjustments to changes in gender take much time. I’m not asking these people to be ready to call me by male pronouns (I don’t know that I’m ready), but the fact that they’re not seeming to take me seriously on my desire to transition hurts. I’m actually just preparing to separate myself from everyone and just focus on myself. I need to find inner peace and appreciation and these two people are making me consider cutting everyone else more and more.

Am I being overly emotional? What was your experience? Feel free to respond or email me: JCollins1594@gmail.com.

Btw: If you need someone to talk to or need advice from, feel free to shoot me an email. I will respond. I love helping anyone I can.

Have a good day!