Dysphoria’s A Bitch

I think I’ve stated this earlier in my blog, but I rarely get dysphoria. I just have a deep intuition that I shouldn’t have been born female and that I cannot picture myself living out the duration of my years being perceived as one. However, on those off days where I do experience dysphoria, it’s usually bottom dysphoria. Whenever I am hit with a wave of dysphoria, it’s usually prolonged and due to my own arousal (many times I can surpass it, but at times, like today, it’s nagging at me).

Whenever I watch porn for a duration of time (I tend to view porn a few times a week for entertainment and will sometimes will use it for its intended purpose), I find myself becoming dysphoric and developing penis envry for the males in the porn. I don’t watch professional videos, but more homemade, solo stuff, which makes it even worse on me at times. I will watch the male pleasure himself (or have intercourse with his partner) and find a deep anger and longing form inside me. I desire to have a functional manhood between my legs; not a phallus from surgery, but one that I should’ve been born with. I find myself growing sad at the reality that I will not, in this life, have a functional penis like that of a cisgender male. I know I will be able to have a phallus that looks like I was born with one, but I will never be able to have an erection on my own or ejaculate like that of a cisgender male and my orgasm (if I retain the ability to do so after surgery) will never be quite like that of my cisgender male companions.

It’s times like this that I find myself wondering what’s the point of transitioning when I know I will never be a “real man”. I know it could be worse, and that I could’ve been born in a time where transitioning was much more dangerous and options for gender affirming surgery was limited. Still, a part of me is sad at what I cannot have. At times like this where I wish I could wake up one morning with the genitals of a male (no matter how small they may be). I’d be more than happy to deal with my chest, with the binding and irritating of pulling a binder on and off. Chests can be fixed much easier than the genital region. I’m tired, which isn’t helping my dysphoria at all.

I’m happy that my dysphoria is scarce and doesn’t occur often, but when it does, I feel hopeless, like none of my efforts will be worth anything. I feel as though I’m missing a part of me, a part that would make me happy and more confident. I suppose it’s time I learn to cope with my dysphoria, especially since I know it will probably become more frequent and intense when I begin HRT eventually.

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My Thoughts on my Coming Out

On October 11th, National Coming Out Day, I came out to my mother (not anyone else yet) as “Confused” to say the least. I wrote her a letter elaborating on my gender confusion throughout my life and how it’s made me feel. She said she would accept me and that she’d do what she could to make me happy. I was beyond happy to hear this, but a part of me feels like she only said that to make me happy or she means it on a very basic level.

After coming out and not needing to feel bothered with hiding it from my mom, I’ve become almost 100% sure I want to transition. I cannot deal with being stuck in between two worlds. For me, I don’t feel “stuck in the wrong body” but rather, I need to change the body I have to make me feel better. I need to lose weight, start T, get phallo and top surgery. With less stress on hiding a part of me, I don’t feel as stressed about talking myself out of transitioning. I’ve begun going to a therapist at Howard Brown,  and it’s like a year’s worth of therapy cannot come quick enough. I want to begin being seen as a male, being comfortable as a male. I’m sick of living up to others’ expectations.

My mom has claimed she’ll be supportive, but admitted that she doesn’t know if she can call me anything but her daughter. I understand it’ll take time, but it hurts that she doesn’t even want to entertain the idea of adjusting pronouns and while I know she sees the danger of being a trans person, I don’t think she realizes how dangerous it’ll be if she refers to me with pronouns other than what I go by. I’ll continue to give her time, but I’ve honestly gotten to the point where, if she fails to accept my transition, I’ll move away and live my life the way I should. I’ll accrue any debt to be had from hormones and student loans to be happy. I can’t deal with living with someone who doesn’t accept me.

Aside my mother, I don’t think my best friend takes me seriously either. We were joking around and I said that I should just go to a monastery and he says, “Aren’t monasteries for men?” I pause and kind of look at him to try and get my point across in why I changed “convent” to “monastery” but he didn’t get it. He knows I’m going to therapy for my gender confusion and desire to transition, but deep down, I know his religious convictions will keep him from seeing me as a male and that hurts more than anything.

Please realize that I know adjustments to changes in gender take much time. I’m not asking these people to be ready to call me by male pronouns (I don’t know that I’m ready), but the fact that they’re not seeming to take me seriously on my desire to transition hurts. I’m actually just preparing to separate myself from everyone and just focus on myself. I need to find inner peace and appreciation and these two people are making me consider cutting everyone else more and more.

Am I being overly emotional? What was your experience? Feel free to respond or email me: JCollins1594@gmail.com.

Btw: If you need someone to talk to or need advice from, feel free to shoot me an email. I will respond. I love helping anyone I can.

Have a good day!