I’m quite active on Tumblr, and I’ve seen a few posts in response to an anonymous question. The question was basically asking this: “If you could take a pill to get rid of dysphoria and make your mind align with your body, would you?”. Of course, many said without a doubt “yes”, that they would take that pill so that they wouldn’t have to transition or deal with dysphoria. I’ve given this question thought in passing from time to time and have wondered what I’d do in that situation. The conclusion I’ve come to is no, I wouldn’t take the pill.
The reason behind this is simple: I cannot see myself living as a female. It sound ridiculous when my mind and body would align, and it has nothing to do with gender roles as I’ve always been one to break them (in terms of stereotypical females). I honestly cannot picture myself in a female role (whether it be that of a butch lesbian or a feminine female) no matter what type of pill I took. I know I’d be more happy with my genitalia, but I honestly think I was meant to take this journey. Wherever I end up, I feel I’ll be better off than just living as a female. Granted, this isn’t for everyone, and many people would rather live as the sex they were born as than transition.
I truly believe I was put on this earth to hold a masculine role, no matter how that role manifests itself and even if it means spending most of my life in transition, I want to get there. I want to be the father that my children will need, the husband to my wife, and just a good Black man in society. Even as I type this, I feel a twinge of sadness that I cannot just be the mother as women need all the help they can get dispelling ridiculous stereotypes. I find myself sort of scared that transsexuality will be found to be a mental disorder and I’ll have more of a stigma placed against me. It’s disheartening to think about, especially when there are blogs dedicated to preaching that people have to accept that they aren’t the person they’re trying to transition to, but that’s a post for another time.
Everyone will not hold this same view as me, but I’ve known for a long time that I just couldn’t fill the female role. I’m up for the challenge, but I wouldn’t feel right. I feel as though I’ll become much more acclimated to the masculine role in society, whatever that means, and I’ll feel much more comfortable with myself. I have learned to love who I am (obesity and all) and am on a journey to change that. One must accept the situations given to them before they can change themselves for the better.
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