I had a therapist appointment yesterday and we discussed the possibility of hormones, how I felt about it, and just got into my internal pysche on how I feel, which eventually segued into the talk of my socializing, how I feel about talking to people I know, etc. As we went through this, I began really dwelling on this information and it seems like I might have social anxiety disorder. While I wouldn’t say it’s very severe, my nervousness in certain social situations is abnormal.
For example: Whenever I began a new school year (I cannot really attest to a new semester as I’m finishing up my first one), we would. in at least one class, have to go around and say our name and something about us. There’s to be a bit of nervousness and anxiety with doing this, no matter how outgoing one may be. However, when it comes to me, I begin shaking a bit the longer I have to wait, my heart begins slamming and I usually begin fidgeting with something. The more silly the question or whatever, the more nervous I am about answering and having to speak. I think about asking to go to the bathroom or find myself hoping something will interrupt us to the point where I don’t end up going or at least it’ll be postponed. That almost never happens of course, and I do end up going. I usually stutter and look like the awkward, obese, kid in the room (which I am) and sit down. I’m very relieved after that and usually just focus on calming down. As I write this, I’m becoming more aware of the small things like picking at my skin and such that I do when I’ve spoken up and now am trying to calm down.
I wouldn’t classify my nervousness as a fear/discomfort of public speaking as, interestingly enough, I can do that alright when it’s on a given topic that I’ve accurately and thoroughly researched. I usually don’t look at people when I do them, but if the topic is interesting, it’s easier to talk fluidly. I’d like to say I’m just extremely shy and awkward, which can be contributed to my self-consciousness about my perceived gender and weight, but I feel like it surpasses my mere physical being also. I stress about how stupid, unintelligent, awkward, and just plain weird I look to the point where I feel sad when i think about conversations I’ve had in the past. Many time, i feel like the jokes I made were ridiculously stupid, the points brought up were lame and that I just made everyone feel weird. It’s gotten to the point at times where I’ve considered backing away from my friends because I fear they judge me intensely (I actually do feel this way, and apparently, my view of them is skewed in this regard).
I’m not saying I do have social anxiety, I’m just writing about the possibility of having it after that session. I do exhibit many of the symptoms (Excessive self-consciousness and anxiety in everyday social situations, Intense worry for days, weeks, or even months before an upcoming social situation, Intense worry for days, weeks, or even months before an upcoming social situation). Shy people also have similar traits in this regard, just not as intensely. I don’t know. It’d make a lot more sense as to my ability and desire to socialize than merely “being shy”.
As always, if you have input, comment below or even shoot me an email: JCollins1594@gmail.com
Hope to hear!