Transgender Vs. Femboy/stud

As someone who is rather active in the LGBT community online (where people love to voice their opinions in ways they otherwise wouldn’t), you don’t know how many times I’ve heard the question “If you’re a girl/boy, why do you dress like (insert opposite gender)” or “Why do lesbian relationships always have someone that looks like a boy and the other that looks like a girl? Date a real man!” This shows a lack of understanding between gender identity and gender expression. We have defined what a male is supposed to look like, so those that go against the norm (by painting their nails, wearing female clothes, etc) are labeled as gay, some horrible derogatory word, or they “want to be a female”. The same goes for female who are more masculine. In this world of confusion and lack of understanding and eduation, one has to wonder what differentiates a masculine woman who might not like her chest and calls herself “daddy” or “king” or a male who uses “she”, “queen” and stuffs a bra from a transman and transwoman. I definitely understand the confusion and despite being transgender myself, I was, for a little, slightly confused and scared I might just be a masculine female.

It may be very hard to differentiate the two when you hear lesbians say that they’re dyshporic about their chest for whatever reason, especially when they use a strap on for sex and don’t desire to be touched. Those are grey areas that can definitely confuse someone, but what clicked as the main difference between masculine females and transmen and feminine men and trans women is this: the former identify and see themselves as the sex they were born as.

What really made this click for me was when I watching a YouTube channel I am subscribed to. The 2 women who run it are moms of a 2 year old girl and they’re basically documenting their lives as a 2 mom household. The particular video in question, the two moms discuss how their daughter thought one mom was a “boy” because she dressed masculine. They reveal that it actually bothered the masculine mom, even though she knew her daughter didn’t mean it in a mean way. Had she been transgender or a “Woman who wants to be a man”, she wouldn’t have been offended or offput by it.

Transgender people are those who feel as though they should’ve been born the opposite sex. Their mind is like that of the sex opposite to their own. They aren’t “masculine women” or “feminine men”, they’re women/men that are trapped in their own body. The two can, from an outside point of view, seem very synonymous and almost one in the same, when in actuality, there are very distinct differences.

If you have topic suggestions, comments, questions, feel free to leave them below or email me: JCollins1594@gmail.com

Summer Goals and Beyond

I have about 3 weeks left in the semester before I’m done with my freshman year of college. Definitely not my best academically or socially, but what’s done is done and I must learn to leave my mistakes in the past and keep moving forward. Other than working, I have a few goals I want to achieve during the summer months to really keep me active and bettering myself. Many of them are more related to transition than anything else, but there’s a conglomeration of things to be done. I’m hoping that above all, the summer months will give me time to decide whether or not I plan to continue my secondary education in the fall. If I decide not to return, I then need to make a plan to decide what I wish to do with my time, how I’ll achieve said goals, etc. 

Some of my summer goals are as follows: 

1. Begin testosterone. I’ll probably be starting T about late May, early June, which is about the same time as I’ll be moving out. I’d rather not transition while living with my mom and grandmother just because I don’t want it thrown in my face at a later time. I’d be much happier living on my own. I’ve been really thinking about starting T for a while and I admit I’m extremely nervous and scared I’ll regret it later, but by the time I start, I hope that I’ve calmed these thoughts. 

2. Move out. As stated above, I think transitioning and really being who I’m meant to be will be easier if I’m not at home. My mom, sister, and grandmother are religious and I’d hate to make them feel uncomfortable with me in the house. It’d change the aura of the house and I feel that I’d just mess up the atmosphere more than it’s already being disturbed. I’m also not confrontational in the least bit so having to actually come out and then transition is a bit overwhelming. I’d rather “love them from afar” as someone in a trans group I’m in has said. 

3. Lose at least 30 pounds. I’ve been saying I want to lose weight for years now. I’m trying to focus on clean eating, not letting mistakes in my dietary habits deter me, and working out more. I really want top surgery (I have the money now but that would mean I cannot move out), but I don’t know if a doctor will perform one on an obese person and even if they did, I’d rather have my body be as close to in shape as possible. Once I get down to a comfortable weight, I’ll be ready to look at surgeons and surgery options. Right now, it’s not feasible or something I’m willing to deal with at my current weight. 

4. Finish a novel. I’m a writer and writing is one of the only things I’m good at. I love writing controversial stories to make people think outside their comfort zone. I’ve been so wrapped up in other hobbies and school that I’ve let it fall by the wayside. Since I work in an office, I’ll have access to a computer and probably a decent amount of time to write. It’ll keep me occupied and doing something worth while. 

My list is relatively short now as I conglomerated many things, but it’ll expand as the summer gets closer. Moving out and getting on Testosterone is at the top of my list. 

 

Questions? Comments? Need advice? Feel free to email me: JCollins1594@gmail.com

Job Concerns

I’m a freshman in college who has been lucky enough to land an office job in the administration office at my school. That’s all fine and dandy, especially since it’ll give me experience that not many can claim. However, over the last few months, I’ve been taking steps to begin my transition (such as preparing to move out, scheduling appointments with doctors to get a script for testosterone, etc) and as I’ve been doing this, one of the biggest things looming over my head is: “how will I come out at work”. 

I go to an LGBT friendly/inclusive school that actually has trans*-inclusive healthcare so I imagine they cannot discriminate against me tremendously. However, the thought of what will be said behind my back, the looks I’ll get when I’m able to use the men’s restroom, etc. may be more anxiety-inducing than blatant discrimination. I know this is something almost all transgender individuals must go through, but it’s seriously deterring me from staying at this job and possibly transitioning (for now). However, I don’t have retail experience/experience in job areas where there are trans-friendly companies. I’ve only ever had office experience and am going for a degree in the sciences (which won’t be applicable until I graduate) so I’m lost. I’m seriously considering applying for many jobs and only leaving when I have secured another position. However, if I transition in the next job and lose it, I’ll be unemployed with a phone bill, rent/bills, and a possible car note (depending on my rent). Logically, it’d make sense to stay and transition, but anxiety is eating me alive. 

I’d love some advice/tips from those of you who have transitioned in the work place. I realistically may cut my hours next semester and pick up a night job where I can transition without much fuss. If I decide to take a semester off/drop out of college, this current job will be history anyway as I will not be a student anymore. It’s a lot of stuff that’s just up in the air, but the job situation is the most bothersome at the moment as it’ll affect my income and ability to continue on with life. 

 

This is just a little snippet of what’s been on my mind. I’ll probably post another post up in a few minutes in a more upbeat tone. If you wish to contact me, feel free to comment or email me at the email below. Thanks for reading!

Email: JCollins1594@gmail.com

Steps in My Transition

Seeing as I’m working part time and attend a college where hormone therapy is going to be covered under my student health care per new trans* inclusive healthcare initiatives, I can begin transitioning as soon as I feel ready. I have bad anxiety with calling and answering calls, so I haven’t been to Howard Brown in a while. However, I’m going to go back next week to continue therapy, but my approach to my transition has altered.

I initially planned to be approved for hormones (or begin taking hormones) and focus on getting top or bottom surgery as time progressed and I saved money. Regardless as to how plans change, this general outline will remain in tact. However, I didn’t think living at home would be a problem. Despite having to be a commuter student, I was still planning to transition this year. But my mom seems to be still trying to grasp that I want to transition and I’m not her little girl anymore. Aside this,  I live with my grandmother as we lost our house to foreclosure and my grandmother doesn’t know. I don’t know how she would react, and to begin hormones, I’d have to come out to not only her, but my sister and great-aunt that lives with us. I’m bad enough with confrontations, but having to do something this big that I know will hurt my mom and make my sister possibly feel weird around me is too much to handle.

I plan to focus on trying to save money to move out before I start hormones. I probably won’t transfer schools, so maybe my current school will get a cluster or floor for the LGBT community where I can stay. I’m too uncomfortable staying in dorms because I’ll have to be roomed with a female roommate. If this doesn’t come to fruition, I’ll work on getting an apartment somewhere near my school. I’d be able to control who I room with and I’d feel much more comfortable that way. After I’ve gotten enough money saved up to actually afford rent (and utilities) on a monthly basis, I’ll start hormones at Howard Brown, then go over to my school’s healthcare system.

As much as I want all this to happen before the end of 2nd semester, I don’t think this is plausible. I barely make $500 a month part time and with the holidays and then the start of second semester, I wont’ have any money going into the new year. I just want to be able to begin transitioning, but I refuse to make my family uncomfortable. If I’m living alone, then I can gradually come out and leave my family room to adjust and try and understand what is happening. Telling them, then transitioning right there may be harder. It’s possible my plans will change again, but right now, I’m going to just focus on possibly moving out.

 

Has anyone dealt with this? Have advice? Comment below.

Need to contact me? Email: JCollins1594@gmail.com

Dysphoria’s A Bitch

I think I’ve stated this earlier in my blog, but I rarely get dysphoria. I just have a deep intuition that I shouldn’t have been born female and that I cannot picture myself living out the duration of my years being perceived as one. However, on those off days where I do experience dysphoria, it’s usually bottom dysphoria. Whenever I am hit with a wave of dysphoria, it’s usually prolonged and due to my own arousal (many times I can surpass it, but at times, like today, it’s nagging at me).

Whenever I watch porn for a duration of time (I tend to view porn a few times a week for entertainment and will sometimes will use it for its intended purpose), I find myself becoming dysphoric and developing penis envry for the males in the porn. I don’t watch professional videos, but more homemade, solo stuff, which makes it even worse on me at times. I will watch the male pleasure himself (or have intercourse with his partner) and find a deep anger and longing form inside me. I desire to have a functional manhood between my legs; not a phallus from surgery, but one that I should’ve been born with. I find myself growing sad at the reality that I will not, in this life, have a functional penis like that of a cisgender male. I know I will be able to have a phallus that looks like I was born with one, but I will never be able to have an erection on my own or ejaculate like that of a cisgender male and my orgasm (if I retain the ability to do so after surgery) will never be quite like that of my cisgender male companions.

It’s times like this that I find myself wondering what’s the point of transitioning when I know I will never be a “real man”. I know it could be worse, and that I could’ve been born in a time where transitioning was much more dangerous and options for gender affirming surgery was limited. Still, a part of me is sad at what I cannot have. At times like this where I wish I could wake up one morning with the genitals of a male (no matter how small they may be). I’d be more than happy to deal with my chest, with the binding and irritating of pulling a binder on and off. Chests can be fixed much easier than the genital region. I’m tired, which isn’t helping my dysphoria at all.

I’m happy that my dysphoria is scarce and doesn’t occur often, but when it does, I feel hopeless, like none of my efforts will be worth anything. I feel as though I’m missing a part of me, a part that would make me happy and more confident. I suppose it’s time I learn to cope with my dysphoria, especially since I know it will probably become more frequent and intense when I begin HRT eventually.

End The Dysphoria: Changing Genders

I’m quite active on Tumblr, and I’ve seen a few posts in response to an anonymous question. The question was basically asking this: “If you could take a pill to get rid of dysphoria and make your mind align with your body, would you?”. Of course, many said without a doubt “yes”, that they would take that pill so that they wouldn’t have to transition or deal with dysphoria. I’ve given this question thought in passing from time to time and have wondered what I’d do in that situation. The conclusion I’ve come to is no, I wouldn’t take the pill.

The reason behind this is simple: I cannot see myself living as a female. It sound ridiculous when my mind and body would align, and it has nothing to do with gender roles as I’ve always been one to break them (in terms of stereotypical females). I honestly cannot picture myself in a female role (whether it be that of a butch lesbian or a feminine female) no matter what type of pill I took. I know I’d be more happy with my genitalia, but I honestly think I was meant to take this journey. Wherever I end up, I feel I’ll be better off than just living as a female. Granted, this isn’t for everyone, and many people would rather live as the sex they were born as than transition.

I truly believe I was put on this earth to hold a masculine role, no matter how that role manifests itself and even if it means spending most of my life in transition, I want to get there. I want to be the father that my children will need, the husband to my wife, and just a good Black man in society. Even as I type this, I feel a twinge of sadness that I cannot just be the mother as women need all the help they can get dispelling ridiculous stereotypes. I find myself sort of scared that transsexuality will be found to be a mental disorder and I’ll have more of a stigma placed against me. It’s disheartening to think about, especially when there are blogs dedicated to preaching that people have to accept that they aren’t the person they’re trying to transition to, but that’s a post for another time.

Everyone will not hold this same view as me, but I’ve known for a long time that I just couldn’t fill the female role. I’m up for the challenge, but I wouldn’t feel right. I feel as though I’ll become much more acclimated to the masculine role in society, whatever that means, and I’ll feel much more comfortable with myself. I have learned to love who I am (obesity and all) and am on a journey to change that. One must accept the situations given to them before they can change themselves for the better.

 

Comments? Questions? Comment below

Topic suggestions? Concerns? Need advice? Email me: JCollins1594@gmail.com

Possibility of Social Anxiety

I had a therapist appointment yesterday and we discussed the possibility of hormones, how I felt about it, and just got into my internal pysche on how I feel, which eventually segued into the talk of my socializing, how I feel about talking to people I know, etc. As we went through this, I began really dwelling on this information and it seems like I might have social anxiety disorder. While I wouldn’t say it’s very severe, my nervousness in certain social situations is abnormal. 

For example: Whenever I began a new school year (I cannot really attest to a new semester as I’m finishing up my first one), we would. in at least one class, have to go around and say our name and something about us. There’s to be a bit of nervousness and anxiety with doing this, no matter how outgoing one may be. However, when it comes to me, I begin shaking a bit the longer I have to wait, my heart begins slamming and I usually begin fidgeting with something. The more silly the question or whatever, the more nervous I am about answering and having to speak. I think about asking to go to the bathroom or find myself hoping something will interrupt us to the point where I don’t end up going or at least it’ll be postponed. That almost never happens of course, and I do end up going. I usually stutter and look like the awkward, obese, kid in the room (which I am) and sit down. I’m very relieved after that and usually just focus on calming down. As I write this, I’m becoming more aware of the small things like picking at my skin and such that I do when I’ve spoken up and now am trying to calm down. 

I wouldn’t classify my nervousness as a fear/discomfort of public speaking as, interestingly enough, I can do that alright when it’s on a given topic that I’ve accurately and thoroughly researched. I usually don’t look at people when I do them, but if the topic is interesting, it’s easier to talk fluidly. I’d like to say I’m just extremely shy and awkward, which can be contributed to my self-consciousness about my perceived gender and weight, but I feel like it surpasses my mere physical being also. I stress about how stupid, unintelligent, awkward, and just plain weird I look to the point where I feel sad when i think about conversations I’ve had in the past. Many time, i feel like the jokes I made were ridiculously stupid, the points brought up were lame and that I just made everyone feel weird. It’s gotten to the point at times where I’ve considered backing away from my friends because I fear they judge me intensely (I actually do feel this way, and apparently, my view of them is skewed in this regard). 

I’m not saying I do have social anxiety, I’m just writing about the possibility of having it after that session. I do exhibit many of the symptoms (Excessive self-consciousness and anxiety in everyday social situations, Intense worry for days, weeks, or even months before an upcoming social situation, Intense worry for days, weeks, or even months before an upcoming social situation). Shy people also have similar traits in this regard, just not as intensely. I don’t know. It’d make a lot more sense as to my ability and desire to socialize than merely “being shy”. 

 

As always, if you have input, comment below or even shoot me an email: JCollins1594@gmail.com

 

Hope to hear!